


It's Bloody Better: Sex Education

by VerityGrahams



Series: It's Bloody Better Series [2]
Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: AU, Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Baby Harry Potter, Bloody Better Universe, F/M, Harry Snape, Lily Snape - Freeform, On Snapes Desk, One Shot, Sex Education, Snape does Sex Education, Staff Meeting, Wordcount: 5.000-10.000
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-03-09
Updated: 2018-03-09
Packaged: 2019-03-28 21:20:01
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 7,181
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13912419
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/VerityGrahams/pseuds/VerityGrahams
Summary: Professor Evans and Professor Snape get conned into teaching Sex Education





	It's Bloody Better: Sex Education

**Author's Note:**

> This takes part in the timeline created in my Fic "It's Bloody Better" You don't need to have read that to enjoy this

Sex Education

Severus may teach Defence Against the Dark Arts, however, tonight he was locked away in the labs of Hogwarts working on his latest Potion, The Wolfsbane Potion. He and Lily had taken the positions teaching at Hogwarts on the condition that they would be able to use Hogwarts resources and specialised labs to further their own potions research. Severus had been working on the Wolfsbane Potion for quite a while already, currently, it helped the werewolf keep their mind whilst transformed, however, one day he hoped it would be a cure. He had to finalise his work for the night and do his evening rounds before he could go home. It was only a few years ago that Lily took a step back from their research after their son Harry was born. Lily was now focused on raising their child and teaching Potions, Severus however, was making a name for himself as one of the foremost Potions Researchers in years. He carefully packed away, noticing the time, and went to complete his final rounds before heading home, home to the family he never thought he would be lucky enough to have, the wife he never thought would look at him as anything more than her best friend and their beautiful son whom he adored. He walked out of the lab through to his classroom, it used to be a Potions classroom, but Severus changed it to the Defence so he could remain closer to the lab, closer to Lily, where she taught Potions and closer to the office that they shared. Not to mention closer to the Slytherin Dorms. He walked out of the office and through to the classroom, as he entered the room, the view that he was met with left him shocked and unable to speak for more than a moment. There on HIS desk were two students, engaged in ... extracurricular activities.

"Get. Off. My. Desk" he finally spoke, his voice low and dangerous.

Severus shielded his eyes as the male student looked up, immediately turning a very bright shade of Gryffindor red, yanking up his trousers as quickly as he could manage, fumbling with his zip and belt. The female pulled her skirt back down and pulled her robes around herself, her eyes for some reason never left the stern Professor's face.

"I'm- I'm so so sorry P-P-Professor Snape" she stumbled over the words as she grabbed her bag and made a run for it.

"Stop!" He called out, his voice barely above a whisper, yet she didn't dare move away from the desk she was previously been sat on. He, the boy, swallowed hard.

"Professor?" He questioned,

He cocked an eyebrow at the boy before him.

"Mr Bulstrode, you might want to tuck that thing away!"

"Yes sir, sorry sir" He turned his back fumbling before facing the single most frightening teacher at Hogwarts, and that included Professor McGonnagal which was saying something.

"I believe there are a few things we need to cover, firstly, my desk? Really?" His face was a mixture of disgust, horror and disturbed.

"Sorry sir" She squeaked.

"Indeed," with a hand over his face in the sheer anguish of the conversation he was having, he sighed, "Have you used any form of protection ... against pregnancy, against ... disease?" The girl looked at him confused, he elaborated, "Miss Corner, do you know where he has been?"

"Erm no Professor!"

"No, you don't know where he's been or no to protection"

"Both sir" Her face flushed.

"Fantastic! Mr Bulstrode?" He glared at the boy, he couldn't help but blame the boy more than the poor girl, she at least had the decency to look ashamed as well as petrified. And this wasn't his first run-in with Mr Bulstrode.

"No, Professor" His voice also seemed to come out in a squeak, Severus rolled his eyes.

"You will both need to visit Madam Pomfrey tomorrow and get checked over," he stood up taller, desperately trying to appear grown up and unembarrassed by the situation, when in actuality he was mortified and wished they had been 'done and dusted' before he found them, ah ignorance would have been bliss. "Miss Corner depending how far you got in tonights ... activities, and no, I do not want to know, you may need to get checked over at a later date also, to see if you have any more ... permanent consequences!" He was pleased to see that the shade of her face went from beetroot red to a sickly green colour.

"Yes Sir" She replied panic-stricken, Mr Bulstrode not so much.

"Just so you know Mr Bulstrode, that would be your consequence as well, if you're not willing to do the time, then you do not commit the crime"

"Yes sir" Now he was panic-stricken too, perfect.

"For your information, the time on that particular consequence is around 18 years! Miss Corner, I believe you can do better," He looked down his nose at the thoroughly ashamed seventh-year Ravenclaw. "Please don't let me find either of you in this ... position again" He stern gaze moved over to Mr Bulstrode, he looked petrified, exactly how Severus liked his exchanges with students to end. "Or any other position I might add" he couldn't help but finish on that note, he watched as their mortification reached new heights.

They both stood in front of him, she had her arms wrapped around her body, keeping her robes covering as much as she was able, thankfully the school robes were quite voluminous and covered everything. He seemed quite alright with Professor Snape seeing him, sans shirt, but had his hands placed on the front of his pants, probably in case of any further remarks about tucking 'it' in, one wondered if 'it' was finding it hard to stay concealed. Neither one dared to move, they stood there with identical looks of complete humiliation and fear.

"Go!" He exclaimed wishing the moment would end.

As if his abrupt words broke some sort of enchantment over them, they both immediately scarpered off, still in their various states of undress. Severus couldn't help but think of the paperwork he would have to fill out, and the letters he would need to write to their parents, he thought maybe he could palm the letter to Miss Corner's parents on to Professor Flitwick, she was in his house after all, but then he knew it would never happen, no one wanted to write that letter, and Filius had the perfect excuse, Severus was the one that happened upon their precious daughter being defiled by one of his Slytherins. And this is before his rounds had even started yet.

~HP~

It was much later in the evening when he finally walked out the floo to his family. He had a pile of forms to fill out and a whole host of painful memories to erase. Needless to say, Mr Bulstrode and Miss Corner were not the only students looking for extra activities this evening. He wondered what it was about students once they reached the sixth and seventh year that meant that they couldn't show restraint, or use their brains enough to hide their activities. He thought back to his own school days, he and Lily had been much the same, but Professor Slughorn never found out how they used his desk, why? Because Severus and Lily were smart. For Merlin's sake, why couldn't they just think? And the sheer record of students not protecting themselves, from anything, not even using muggle protection, the only reason Severus and Lily waited till they were at Hogwarts was due to the cast iron protection they would have access to in the form of Potions and charms, specifically designed for that purpose.

"You look exhausted"

His rather beautiful wife walked into the room, she was already in her nightwear, her hair was damp and held up after her shower, the scent of lavender surrounding her as she sauntered over to embrace her late returning husband.

"Please don't" He shied away.

"What's wrong?"

"I feel dirty, you don't know what I have seen" he shivered, "Hogwarts has gone wild, it's filled to the brim of horny sixth and seventh years, I need mind soap"

"It was the same when we were at Hogwarts" she giggled, "maybe you don't remember"

"I remember just fine, but Slughorn didn't catch us, and that's just how my rounds began, the paperwork and the letters to parents that I have to write. Let's just say, I won't be able to 'get any' tonight, instead I will write all night about the 'action' that our dear students have been getting, literally in hidden corridors, no sense to use a silencing charm's or lock the doors of the classrooms that they use, they didn't even use the room of bloody requirement, I mean really, are they trying to traumatise the staff?"

"Who did you find?" she asked smiling

"Miss Corner and Mr Bulstrode?!" He smirked

"No way!" she giggled

"And that was just the two on my desk, speaking of which, I need a new desk" his hands rubbed his temples as he closed his eyes shaking his head as if throw the images from his mind, "I really liked that desk, so many fond memories"

"We only did there once!" She laughed

"Yes, but after, anything that happened in the presence of that desk took on a whole new meaning, marking essays at that desk was so much more ... exhilarating!"

"Maybe we should do it on the desk again, claim it back, I'm sure that's better than mind soap" she smiled fingering the lapel on his robes,

"Well if that's what we are doing instead of mind soap, we need to do it behind the tapestry on the third floor too! There were Gryffindors behind it, not that they were doing anything that could start nine months of gestation, but disturbing all the same"

"I think I know just what to do" she smiled playing with the ties on her silk dressing gown.

"It's a shame I have to remember what happened to fill out the bloody paperwork" his fingers pulled the ties on her robe and tugged her closer, he glanced at her nightgown within, rather despondently his chin hit his chest, "I really like that one" he whispered.

"I know" she smiled kissing him gently, his hands gathered up her nightgown pulling her closer to him.

"I could really use some- different images" he coaxed, his lips gently kissing her face, "As soon as this paperwork is done of course" his voice was soft and enticing all at the same time.

"Sounds like you need to get to work" she smiled, "I'll be in bed ... waiting" she winked

"You're not going to help?" his head raised, looking at her questioningly

"Nope" she smiled

"We took vows to stand by each other no matter what"

"Maybe, if it was just a bit of pranking, but I'm not helping you tell parents that their daughters have been defiled" she leant forward kissing him gently on the end of his hooked nose.

"What happened to 'for better or worse'" his hands went to her waist coaxing her back into his embrace, his eyes begging her to stay.

"I don't think they were thinking about paperwork on horny teenagers when they put that in the vows" she laughed as she captured his lips in a lingering kiss, before turning away, her hands lingering on his long-fingers that still clung to her hips.

"You're a cruel woman Lily"

"I'll be waiting" she called behind her.

It was in that moment that he regretfully sat at their kitchen table with a pile of parchment in front of him as he watched his delectable wife's hips sway as she wandered into their bedroom, the bedroom he was not able to join her in for some time, and knowing his luck she would be fast asleep by the time he was done. Oh, the joys of having a small child.

~HP~

It was a week later at the end of the staff meeting that Severus felt compelled to bring up the mortifying rounds. They had covered almost everything else. He had sat through them discussing rota's for rounds, the upcoming Hogsmeade weekend, extra sessions for N.E.W.T and O.W.L classes, each department had even bartered for extra funds for various equipment and books, and now it was 'any other business', and Severus really didn't want to bring up more business, but he reminded himself that he also didn't want to walk in on any more students.

"Is there any other business we need attend to?" Albus asked cheerily.

"Yes" he answered wearily

"Are you sure Severus?" Albus smiled, "you don't seem particularly eager"

"If I'm being perfectly frank, I don't want to bring it up, but I feel - compelled" he paused, "I had a rather disturbing experience during my rounds the other night, two rather disturbing experiences actually, and not for the first time and probably not for the last, I want to know what on earth this establishment does to teach students how they are supposed to protect themselves from disease and teenage pregnancy when they engage in sexual activities on my desk

His comments were met by a round of sniggers from the professors. His lips thinned as he glared at his colleagues, Professor Quirrell, in particular, found the situation fairly amusing.

"Officially, there is nothing in our curriculum regarding sexual education Severus, the Ministry finds that as with other skills-"

"Skill... it's not their skills I'm concerned about, in fact, they seem to have the technique down!" He interrupted, more giggles followed.

"Such as reading, writing, mathematics ... " Albus continued as though Severus hadn't interrupted or that the rest of his staff were incapacitated, laughing, " ... it is to be taken care of by parents, outside of Hogwarts" He replied matter of factly and yet he had an amused smile on his face.

"I think that position needs rethinking!" He stated, "students have, for far too long, been going at it, when they want, where they want, with no thought of protection, or the poor individual that happen's upon them mid-coitus"

"Severus, I take it a comment about positions and your desk would not be welcome about now?" Professor Quirrell put in with amusement

"No, it would not" He replied his voice growing colder by the moment.

"Severus, how can you possibly know, this is only yours and Lily's second year teaching"

"And shortly before that I was a student, for seven years, I think I know a little more than you, what horny teenage boys get up to, apparently there is a bit of a fetish with Hogwarts boys and 'doing it' on their Head of Houses desk!"

"Just because you found one student on your desk, Severus..." Minerva trailed off.

"Would you like to know why Lily insisted on a new desk when she took over as Head of Gryffindor?" He eyed her with a smirk

"You didn't?" Minerva asked eyes wide.

"Nope, but Sirius Black did!" He smirked at her rather disgusted face. "More than once, with most of the girls on the Gryffindor Quidditch team I believe"

"That is only two students..." Minerva added helplessly, though it was clear Severus' word had hit a nerve.

"You never wondered why I was so keen to keep Slughorns desk?" He sniggered a little that time, there was a rare air of arrogance and pride about him as he spoke.

"Severus!" Lily exclaimed and promptly, albeit rather light-handedly, backhanded him to the gut.

"I am just making a point, I can't help it if students were smarter in our day" he glanced over at Albus, "something needs to be done, I am sick of discussing appropriate protection with students after the fact!"

"In all honesty, I am rather bored with checking students for certain conditions" Added Madam Pomfrey.

"Of course Madam Pomfrey, I'm sure we can find a slot for you to give a sex education lecture Severus" Albus smiled

"No! You're not making me do it! As a Head of House, I have plenty of duties already, I have research, groundbreaking research! Professor Quirrell teaches the single easiest subject at Hogwarts, plus he has no other duties, he doesn't even teach first and second years!"

"He has a point!" Filius added

"I heartily disagree!" Quirrell almost shouted in panic, "I think students have a, a, rapport with their Heads of House, and therefore it would be more comfortable, for the students, for it to come from them!"

"More comfortable for you, you mean!" Severus spat back.

"I am not on the wage a Head of House is on Severus, I think it falls under your pay grade!"

Severus simply looked on in shock.

"I think he has a point, Severus!" Albus smiled

"Like we don't have enough to do Albus" Lily interjected.

"Exactly! We do a lot, Quirrell, he does barely anything!"

"Hay!" Quirrell shot back, "I teach a niche subject, it takes a great deal of planning and research!"

"Your mother was a muggle and you teach muggle studies!" Lily shouted

"Thank you, Lily!" He high fived her.

"Don't mess with the Snape's or the Snape's mess back!" Lily exclaimed

"You don't find that statement a little, cringe-worthy?" He asked, her expression silenced him, she was the only person that could do that.

"It does seem like it would come under the Head of Houses duties, much like the time I had to teach Gryffindors how to dance for that blasted ball you insisted on Albus!" Minerva added

"She says conveniently after ditching her Head of House status" Lily interjected

"You try teaching James Potter and Sirius Black to dance whilst simultaneously trying to stop them from grabbing the behinds of every Gryffindor girl in Hogwarts! I have done my time Lily!"

"Honestly Minerva, you did a piss poor job of stopping them! My arse cheeks barely recovered!" Lily exclaimed, "One might say you owe me!" Minerva looked away her stern expression fixed, there was no way she was caving.

"Which one?" Severus exclaimed,

"Both" She grimaced

"Both butt cheeks Lily, or both boys?" Quirrell asked with a snigger, Lily levelled a glare, rendering him much more subdued for the rest of the conversation.

"If we agree it's a Head of House situation, I have a suggestion," it was Filius now,

"We don't agree! Filius," Severus butted in,

"Honestly, I think it's in your best interests to back us up!" Lily added

"I can see why Heads of Houses would be more comfortable for the students, but, surely, teachers closer to their own age would be more comforting" Filius continued smiling meekly

"Don't you dare Filius, I could take care of my Slytherins, but don't you dare palm off your Ravenclaws and the bloody Hufflepuffs on me and Lily!"

"Honestly, who would want to hear about sex from Filius or me" added Pomona, "I am old enough to be their grandma, I think it would be a little disturbing for the poor darlings"

"NO! You cannot take advantage of our age and relationship status, its sexist?" He glanced at Lily

"I don't think it is..." Lily added

"It's something 'ist'" He fumed.

"That gives me a wonderful idea actually Severus!"

Severus groaned, it wouldn't be good, he could tell from Albus' face.

"What could be better than a young couple giving the caring advice on such a sensitive subject, I'm sure the students would feel you can see their side, as you so aptly put it, Severus, it was not that long ago you were in Hogwarts doing the exact same thing! Surely the students will appreciate that you see their point of view!"

"MADAM POMFREY!" Lily shouted, "School Nurse... totally her job! Right!?" She grinned hopefully

Unfortunately, Albus managed to bat that idea aside after a stern look from Madam Pomfrey, and her conviction that she clearly does enough as she was the one that had to check them for 'Fire Lice' and 'Puffskein Fever' They argued about this for some time. Severus put up a good fight, as did Lily, but every argument they came up with, like raising their newborn baby, Albus found a way to work it in favour of his argument. Before long it was agreed that Severus and Lily would hold sex education sessions, one with each year, all four houses would be present.

~HP~

Seventh Years

It had been two weeks since the staff meeting. Lily and Severus had tried everything to get out of it, including one rather desperate and ridiculous idea which ended with Professor Snape claiming to Dumbledore he was filing for divorce and couldn't bear to look at his wife never mind teach alongside her. However, as time went on the schemes got more desperate and ridiculous, and Albus started to ignore them completely. It was with that they both found themselves sat in a classroom with the entire of the seventh year students. Lily had removed all the desks and chairs from an old classroom, filling it with plush sofa's and chairs, complete with a sofa at the front for her and Severus.

"I think it's a ridiculous idea," he said glaring at the comfy seating arranged around the classroom like it offended him.

"I just think we should be comfortable"

"I think they should be very uncomfortable" He retorted

"Having you talk to them about sex will surely do that" she smiled.

They sat waiting on the couch in the bright and spacious classroom. It was a Saturday afternoon, so the students trickled in slowly but surely after breakfast. A notice had been put up in the dormitories informing seventh years would have to attend a compulsory lecture from Professor Snape and Professor Evans. Lily and Severus had had to leave baby Harry with Minerva, due to Remus, his Godfather, recovering from his recent cycle, Severus still didn't trust his parents, well his father, along with Harry, and Lily's parents were currently away on holiday. Which meant their precious weekend, which would have been just them and Harry, had been stolen, stolen by the worst consequence of taking a teaching position that Severus could think of. Soon the classroom was filled with rather bemused looking students. Lily tried pointing out that it could be worse, they could be teaching them to dance like Minerva had had to, this did not cheer Severus up at all.

"So who knows why we are here?" Lily began

There was radio silence, the odd Gryffindor or Slytherin bravely put up a hand.

"No Hufflepuffs or Ravenclaws know why the entire of the seventh year was given a compulsory lecture at the weekend?" Severus asked.

"Erm, Professor, the notice just said that it was a lecture and that Professor Evans and Professor Snape would give us the details when we arrived"

"I can't even believe that, the little-"

"Professor Snape... we can't talk about our, er, colleagues like that" Lily interjected

"You're thinking it too"

"And not saying it out loud" she glanced over the room, "Ok, so Mr Bulstrode, do you know why we are here?"

He looked cocky now that he was fully clothed, he had an impish grin Professor Evans smiled at him expectantly.

"Yea, we're here for sex education Miss, but honestly, I don't think I need it, I know what I'm doing" He smiled wangling his eyebrows, the group of boys sat with him joined in laughing

"Believe me Mr Bulstrode, I'm not going to be going over technique with you" Severus sneered in the general direction,

"Honestly Professor, how come you're teaching us? Wouldn't you need experience!" At this, there was a huge uproar of laughter.

"You are very confident Mr Bulstrode, considering your size is painfully below average... honestly ladies, don't worry, he isn't an accurate reflection of the majority of wizard-kind"

"Severus! You can not comment on a student's... size!"

"If he doesn't want me to make comments on his size he shouldn't get caught between some poor girls legs on my desk, and then have the audacity to imply things about my own sex life, you know what they say, 'turnabout is fair play'" He smiled

"Well, back on point," She sighed rubbing her temples, "The reason that we are the ones discussing this topic with you, is because Professor Dumbledore felt that you would be more comfortable with a younger couple rather than just your Head's of House."

"WOAH! Wait a minute" It was Mr Bulstrode again, "Couple?!"

"Yes, Mr Bulstrode, a couple; 'Two people who are married or otherwise closely associated romantically or sexually.'" Severus sarcastic drawl continued.

"GO PROFESSOR SNAPE!" the group of boys, amongst others cheered and wolf whistled. Severus leaned back into the sofa wishing it would consume him, his palm over his face.

"Seriously Professor, your banging Professor Evans?" another boy from the back row shouted

"20 points from Ravenclaw Mr Travers, and no, I am Married to Professor Evans, its a lot less seedy" He glanced over at Lily, "This is why we are the worst people for the job!"

"Okay, okay, calm down, let's get back to the topic at hand," Lily tried to calm the room, her face was scarlet, it worked somewhat, but the class was now filled with raised hands. "Miss Black" she pointed to a girl near the front.

"How are you married to Professor Evans? I mean, she's a Gryffindor and a Muggleborn?" She asked somewhat innocently, but clear prejudice in her tone.

"Not every Slytherin is as prejudice as you Miss Black, and that will be 20 points from Slytherin, you see Miss Black, some of us chose our partners based on personality and compatibility, not blood status or Hogwarts house" He pursed his lips as he spoke and Miss Black seemed to slide down in her chair somewhat.

"No sir, you chose her cause she is FIT" Exclaimed a Gryffindor boy.

"Thank you for the compliment Mr Macmillan, however, we have other more important matters to discuss, as you may be aware, sexual education has not been in the Hogwarts Curriculum before, can anyone hazard a guess as to why we felt the need to introduce it now?"

The room was silent again, finally, a question that shut them up. Severus glanced around the room and caught the eye of a few students he felt were very aware of why this class had been introduced, however, instead of offering an answer they seemed to turn a bright shade of red. All except Mr Bulstrode, he seemed quite eager to share his thoughts and quite proud.

"Is it because Professor Snape caught me and Miss Corner shagging on his desk, Miss?"

"Mr Bulstrode, I think what would be more accurate, is that your complete lack of regard for whom I hope is your ex-partner, because honestly Miss Corner, you really can do so much better, really there are far far better boys out there," He paused, "Yes, as I was saying it's your lack of preparation, precaution or even care for your partners that compelled me to bring this issue up, as much as I hate to spend my Saturday teaching a group of libidinous teenagers about safe sex and about the precautions you desperately need to start taking, I have caught far too many of you in the process of some sort of sexual act to ignore it. Though there are some of you, not really sure what you were doing, either you're doing it all wrong and I need to explain some things to you, or you hit upon something I have never heard of!"

"Sir, what does libidinous mean?"

"It means; full of sexual lust, that you are all lustful, lewd and lascivious" This comment was met with a nervous round of laughter.

"Does anyone know what issues Professor Snape might be referring to? What might you lot be lacking?" Lily asked

"Professor Snape spoke to us about consequences..." Miss Corner responded timidly

"Okay, what consequences?" Severus asked and the room was silent, no hands raised, "Surely some of you know what consequences we are talking about?"

Mr Bulstrode raised his hand, his cocky smile was not as present, but he still looked too happy for Severus' liking.

"Try to be a little more eloquent this time, Mr Bulstrode" Lily asked

"Getting a girl knocked up"

"Indeed, and contrary to popular belief that isn't just 'her' responsibility, if you're not ready for the pitter patter of tiny feet put something on the end of it!" Severus' sarcastic drawl put in.

"But sir, isn't that her responsibility?" Another boy asked,

"Did I stutter?" He glared at the obscenely cocky boy in front of him. "We actually planned to discuss some of the 'other' consequences first, who can name an STD?" there was no response, "Conner? You have been very vocal, you brag about having so much experience, nothing to share?"

He sat back in his chair and slunk down a little.

"Ok, first let's start with the delightful little creatures known as 'Fire Lice', anyone wish to start us off?" He smiled politely, though more out of enjoyment of the situation than any real desire to set them at ease. "Well, somehow I knew that you would all clam up at this point, so I brought pictures!" He grinned now.

With a wave of his wand the light dimmed and the shutters slammed shut over the windows cutting off all the light in the room, he gave a tap to an odd contraption that looked very similar to a muggle slide machine, it whirred to life and light shone against the opposite wall and a picture flickered into place. "I made an executive decision to use muggle photographs, I think it would be a little too disturbing if they moved."

"gross" came the odd mutter in the crowd of seventh-year students, they all stared in horror at the image of a tiny insect, it was bright red and had ridged back, you couldn't see them on the picture, but they were known to have incredibly sharp teeth, almost knife-like. The creatures had six spindly legs and under the enlarged image the usually rice sized creature looked decidedly creepy.

"Yes, they are pretty gross looking, they are much smaller than this, we managed to get a nice large image for you, and they like to live in the pubic hair of witches and wizards," Lily spoke as though she was describing the effects of a certain ingredients in a rather mundane potion, however the reaction in the class spoke volumes. "Yes, I can imagine how unpleasant they are, very hard to get rid of, does anyone know what they do once they take up residence?"

"Is it not bad enough that they live there?" Miss Corner asked grossed out, not as shy as before.

"Yes, but they tend to get a little peckish... they are known to have a little nibble of whats down there" Severus grinned again, Mr Bulstrode looked like he would be sick. "Does anyone know the effect of these bites?"

"Sir, how do you know so much about this?" It was a Gryffindor boy named Fawley.

"When I was your age I wasn't keen on contracting any illness' and so I did my research and took appropriate protection"

"So you had sex at Hogwarts too? Don't you think that it's a little hypocritical to tell us not to when you did it?" Mr Bulstrode jumped in.

"No, because I was smarter than you, I didn't get caught and if anyone ever asked me, 'did you use protection' I would be able to say, 'yes, what do you think I am? A complete dunderhead?'" at that point the class started to laugh again, slowly finding Severus' light-hearted sarcastic wit more and more relatable and maybe setting them at ease more than they ever thought the man could.

"He also wasn't anywhere near as promiscuous as you lot seem to be, right?" she glanced over at him, smiling somewhat.

"Of course not" He smiled back warmly, a smile that no student had ever witnessed before. "So, does anyone know what the effect of the bite of a Fire Lice has?"

"It stings like bloody murder, Sir!" A boy at the back shouted. Severus laughed.

"Speaking from experience I see..." he continued to chuckle

"Have you ever had it, Sir?" Another boy asked, becoming far more confident, the whole class were avid listeners now

"No, I have not, I managed to avoid every single consequence of sex thus far, except one" he smiled,

"Which one Sir?" Mr Bulstrode asked, his eyes shone with delight,

"None of your business" He replied with a smile

"I think, we have more pictures right?" Lily continued and with that Severus tapped the contraction again, "Now, this is, believe it or not, is a penis" Lily smiled, "As you can see there are a lot of bites and everything is rather red and angry looking, not very pleasant!"

"And as Mr Prewitt states, they sting like bloody murder, and that's only the beginning" Severus smirked

"Erm, Sir, how do you get rid of them?" the same boy from before asked,

"Please don't tell me that you know you have these things and haven't seen Madam Pomfrey?" He laughed

"I ain't showing Madam Pomfrey my goods sir" the entire class erupted into laughter.

"Depending on how far along things have got, you can take a potion, you may have to remove all your hair down there, there's also an ointment, I think you should see me later" Severus restrained his laugh just. "You know Lily, I'm starting to quite enjoy this!"

There was a murmur of laughter travelling around the room as Lily shook her head disapprovingly at her husband, however, there was still a gentle smile in place.

"I would like to apologise, Mr Prewitt, my husband has a cruel sense of humour"

"We will be providing a list of remedies for various inflictions, along with a list of ways to protect yourselves" Severus continued through his laughter. "Fire Lice, it's simply a case of the fewer partners the less chance you have of catching them, there is no other protection!"

"Am I going to have to show you my junk sir?" Again the class erupted into easy laughter.

"I desperately hope not" He paused shaking his head, "Does anyone know of any other diseases?" This time a flurry of hands went up, no longer feeling self-conscious or judged.

"I know, Miss Goode?" Lily smiled pointing to a rather big-boned Ravenclaw girl with lots of curly blonde hair.

"I have not got this, just want to make that clear! But I have heard of one called Puffskien Fever?" She grimaced saying the name.

"Ew that is a particularly nasty one, and if only you lot would try, even a condom, even basic muggle protection can help you, but you don't want to even try that"

"But it's not as good when I use a condom sir"

"Conner, you haven't once failed to disappoint me, your idiocy clearly knows no bounds!" Severus tapped the contraption again and a new image came into play.

"Sir, that's disgusting!" Conner Bulstrode exclaimed,

"Don't want 'it' to have green puss coming out of 'it'?" Severus asked bemused, "I figured you would try a bit of protection then" He raised an eyebrow.

"I think I will from now on!" Conner looked green.

"I think we may have just halved the problem at Hogwarts dear" Severus smiled, "I catch him way too often"

The morning went like on like this, they covered all the main illness' that one could contract along with cures and preventions. Despite them clearly not wanting to teach this lecture, with the older students there ended up being a carefree and amusing atmosphere, Severus ended up enjoying himself more and more, though that might be the sadist coming out in him, the students squirmed.

"I think that is the last of the infections you can get?" Severus asked Lily.

"Yes, I think there is just that mare permanent consequence to cover now" She smiled.

"What's that?" The class looked both curious and worried.

"Oh once you have this one," Severus began, "You can't get rid of it, it will be there for the rest of your life"

"There is a way of getting rid of it" she stated

"Well I am somewhat against getting rid of it"

"I know, as am I, but teenagers, maybe they should be aware?" She questioned,

"I'm not talking about it, Madam Pomfrey can discuss it if the situation ever arrives," He said adamantly

"Sir... what is it?" The student in question looked petrified, "The consequence, I mean, not the ... solution"

"A baby" His voice soft, "I can't bear the thought of there being a 'solution' to a new life, as a father, it bothers me, however, ladies have the right, before things go too far, to end a pregnancy, I however, can't discuss it with you"

"Sir, how far?" Miss Black questioned

"25 weeks..." He trailed off

"Our son was born at 25 weeks, that is far too early, but he is now two years old, so, to us, it's a little more..."

"Personal" Severus filled in, reaching out he held her hand. "And so, as teenagers, if you can't keep yourself protected from pregnancy, or you are unable to go through with it, maybe you should think on if you should be engaging in said activities"

"However, that being said, if you decide, you can go through with a pregnancy and put a child up for adoption, there are many witches and wizards that are unable to conceive, so there could be a loving home waiting..."

"the aim is not to get pregnant though, right? I mean really, if I had a daughter in this class, I would want them to urge her not to get pregnant, or not to have sex at all!"

"You know, Sev, you think of everything as Father, sometimes we just need to give accurate information"

"I am a father... and on that note, I think I have pictures to help with the 'no sex' thing" he tapped the contraption again.

"Erm, sir what is that?"

"This Mr Prewitt is an image that displays what happens to a woman's body when she gets pregnant, her heart will enlarge to compensate for the stress her body is under, however as the child grows you can see that, here" He pointed on the diagram, "Her diaphragm is pushed up along with her other organs, her heart his lifted up as well as you can see, this is to make space for the growing baby"

"And as you can see the womb is very close to the bladder, often a baby will use that as a bouncy castle" Lily smiled, "You need to pee. A lot."

"There is the obvious weight gain... though you were never fat, you glowed" He smiled

"I looked like a beached bloody whale!" She laughed, "And the water retention in the ankles was awful"

"Don't forget the fingers, they looked like chunky sausages!" He laughed "But the cravings, that was interesting, raw chilli's from a woman that won't eat anything in the least bit spicy!"

"Oh the hormones, that was worse for you than me"

"Mood swings all the time, one moment she is happy, happy, happy, the next crying and inconsolable, then she's angry, she often screamed at me that it was all my fault!"

"To be fair, you initiated the baby idea!" She exclaimed

"Lily, that's bollocks, you hinted and hinted and hinted until I came out and said it!"

"Oh... you got that" She smiled, he nodded at her. "How about another picture, quick before we have another domestic" she smiled.

"You might not recognise this one, and it's a wizarding image, help you get the point, does anyone know what it is?"

"It looks like a badger eating sniffler, Sir!" there was a chorus of nervous laughter.

"Any of the ladies know?" Lily asked tentatively. "Radio silence" No one responded, "Ok, that is a woman giving birth, more specifically, it's her ... vagina"

"Whats all that fur?" Miss Black asked horrified

"That's the baby's head crowning, he or she has a nice full head of hair!" She smiled somewhat affectionately at the image.

"What does it feel like?" Miss Goode asked, she too, looked horrified.

"It feels like your body is being split into two... at the beginning, they offer you pain relief, now this is advice for whenever any of you have a baby... take the pain relief" She paused, "Always take the pain relief!"

"After a certain point, they won't give it you, the potions can affect the baby" Severus clarified matter of factly

"Honestly, ladies take whatever they give you! All of it!"

"It must be worth it, once you have your baby?" Miss Corner asked, her eyes fixed on Professor Snape, "Right Professor?"

"Lily?" He asked

"Yes, it is, and once they get into a sleep routine that's when you can really enjoy it, and hopefully you will have a partner-"

"Preferably husband" Severus interrupted

"As I was saying, hopefully, you will have a partner that will help out, since when did you get so old fashioned?" She giggled caressing his face

"I just think, if I had a daughter, and she was in this room, that's what I would want to say to her, I would want her to only be that... intimate, with the one man that will treat her like the princess she would be"

"That is so sweet!" Miss Corner gushed gazing at the dark-haired professor.

There was a moment of silence and then a thud on the door. Outside came a faint wailing sound which got louder and louder. Within moments Professor McGonnagal burst through the door with a child screaming in her arms.

"I cannot calm him no matter what I do!" She strode down to meet them, child wailing in her arms, "The child simply will not listen to reason, I told him it was nap time, but he would not settle!"

The child in her arms squirmed and wriggled and reached for Professor Snape.

"There is no discernible reason for the child's tears!" she exclaimed, her whole demeanour was more than a little unhinged.

"There is a rather excellent reason Minerva" Severus claimed and he held his arms out and the little boy reached over and was soon snuggled in his chest peacefully, "He just wants his daddy" he explained softly, "Whats up with my Harry Bear?"

"Daddy" He sobbed, "My Daddy!" his sobs were defiant and angry.

"And this brings us to the most permanent consequence, and if you are using all the protection methods we have already gone over you severely limit the chance of having one of these delightful creatures" Lily smiled, "be aware, no protection method is completely foolproof!"

**Author's Note:**

> Please Kudos and Comment, Feedback feeds me!


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